Status Update and Letting Go

I’m struggling.  This is nothing new.  It’s a daily thing, though some days and weeks are worse than others.  Lately my heart’s been cause for concern.

Several weeks ago, we added an oral antibiotic to my current regimen of two IV antibiotics.  Over the course of the two weeks I was on the oral antibiotic, my body became toxic; I was killing off more of the infections, but my body was unable to keep up with the detoxification process.  Essentially, I was killing off more than I could dispose of, and this caused a flare in current symptoms, as well as the emergence of new symptoms.  A week-long break from all antibiotics helped; the new symptoms went away (for the most part) and the other symptoms toned down in severity.  I’m no longer taking the oral antibiotic, though I am back on my IV antibiotics. 

Of the new symptoms that emerged during that period of toxic overload, palpitations and increased sensitivity to the stimulant medication I take for brain fog and fatigue were the worst.  Though the crazy palpitations have subsided, I’m still really, really sensitive to the stimulant, despite lowering my dose.  I’ve been monitoring my blood pressure, only to find that it reaches the prehypertensive range when I take my stimulant.  Lowering the dosage hasn’t made much of a difference, so I feel my only option is to discontinue it completely.  

I’ve tried to do this countless times before, to no avail.  Without the stimulant, I spend most of my time sleeping.  When I’m not sleeping, I feel unmotivated, unfocused, foggy, depressed, and like I’m missing out on even more of life.  But I fear that I’ll be doing more harm than good if I keep taking the medication, so despite fatigue, amotivation, inability to focus, and worsened mood, I’m taking the plunge: I will discontinue my stimulant medication.  By doing so, I hope to allow my body to heal more quickly and get the rest I apparently need.  In time, I imagine I’ll find I have more natural energy, increased ability to focus, and more motivation.  That’s my hope, anyway.  

For me, this is the ultimate “letting go.”  I’ll have no choice but to listen to my body and respond accordingly.  I’ll be completely at the mercy of this illness, which terrifies me.  All along, I’ve been able to maintain some control over my body and, therefore, my life, by taking this medication that overrides brain fog and other unpleasantness.  It’s been like a security blanket.  Now that the risks undoubtedly outweigh the benefits of holding onto my security blanket, it’s time to let go and accept my reality, in all its unpleasantness. 

Wish me luck.