Sunday, December 13, 2009

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Learning from Lyme

It's strange how the daily struggles of living with this disease can shift so subtly. Last month I was dealing with hardcore psychiatric symptoms -- which means there was probably die-off of the infection in my brain -- and struggling to make it through each hour. These days, I'm struggling less with simply existing and I'm thinking about the future. Sometimes thinking about the future is exciting, but sometimes it gets me down because I become acutely aware of the distance between where my functioning and health are currently, and where they'll have to be in order for me to achieve my vision of the future. That's where letting go comes in.

If becoming ill with Lyme Disease has taught me anything, it's that control is an illusion. Like Death Cab for Cutie sings in their song "What Sarah Said": "...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time."
When we're generally healthy, we make plans as a matter of fact. We assume that, unless something cataclysmic happens, we will get to the X on our map of The Future. We assume that there is a Future, and then if things don't go as planned, we mourn what we believe could have/should have been. We forget that our grand plans for the Future are only ideas and never were they actual realities. We mourn the loss of what we thought was rightly ours, though it never was.

I've mourned a lot. I could keep mourning the loss of what I thought was mine for the taking, but I've found my time and energy are better spent accepting what I know to be true: we can tentatively plan for the future and hope that when we get there it somewhat resembles the life we'd envisioned; however, becoming too attached and identified with our plans is counterproductive to leading a fulfilling life for a couple of reasons. Firstly, by becoming attached to and identified with who & what we want to be, and what we want to achieve, we lose focus on what we have now and who we already are (which I believe is essential and unchanging). Secondly, by letting go and focusing our energies on the present, we may find that where we end up is exactly where we want to be -- only we didn't know that 2 years ago when we had our sights set on some pie-in-the-sky idea. Essentially, I believe that by letting go, focusing on the present, and not worrying too much about the future, I will experience less suffering because I will not have lost anything, as I was not holding onto anything. And I will be living a life more in line with my current values. Also, by letting go of that over which I have no control, I'm free to focus my energy on the things I can control, like how I react to the events in my life.

So, that's where I'm at. It's a struggle, for sure. I routinely find myself worrying about the future, and routinely must remind myself that the future will take care of itself as long as I take care of the present. I am by no means adept at this, but it's a start. And it's something that living with Lyme Disease has taught me.