I am nothing if not consistently inconsistent.

Again, it has been too long since my last post. Oh well. I have been writing more lately, but only for a very select audience. My train of thought (when I have a somewhat cohesive one) tends to meander, and may not necessarily have a clear point, so I choose not to share it with the Public. Instead, I write in my paper journal or in my private online journal. However, today I have something to say:

I AM FINALLY GETTING MY PICC LINE!

Sure, it only took a year and two months to finally get it sorted out and scheduled (!!!!), but the day is here. In fact, my doctor appointment is in less than three hours -- so I really should get up sooner than later, but first I want to put into words how I feel about this whole thing.


How do I feel about it?

Well, yesterday, a friend asked me if I was excited about finally getting my line. I said, no, I don't think "excited" is the right word. If I look at the big picture, then yes, I'm more excited than not about the prospect of receiving effective treatment that will allow me to experience a sense of normalcy. I will eventually be able to work and to go back to school. I'll be able to make plans without having to cancel at the last minute. But, right now, I'm not thinking big-picture; I'm thinking, "Oh my god, they're going to thread a line up a vein in my arm and down into my chest, and then they're going to infuse that line with potent antibiotics that will make me sick, and then I'm going to be miserable...." That line of thought can go on for quite some time, spiraling into even more catastrophic thinking if I let it, but I rarely do. Something else I try not to think about is the fact that I will have to clear my line with heparin every single day, so as to avoid a blood clot. Oh, and I also try not to think about the potential for sepsis.

::sigh::

I am feeling optimistic about the effectiveness of this treatment though. Yes, it will make me miserable at first, but what we're treating (Bartonellosis, a common co-infection) is the source of so many of my most awful symptoms. So, once I go through this treatment, my quality of life should vastly improve.


I'll leave you with a picture of my left arm, pre-line. In several hours, I will have a dressing wrapped around my arm, above my elbow, covering the site of the line, keeping it sterile. I'll have to figure out how to wrap it up so I can shower, because I can't get it wet. Luckily, I have an amazing community of friends with Lyme Disease who have already gone through this and have given me pointers on what works and what doesn't work re: showering/covering the line.

Now, I'm off to shower, dress, and head to my doctor's office. Wish me luck!