I’ve felt extra toxic lately, so a break should do my body good. Of course, a break from antibiotics does not necessarily mean a break from treatment; I’m taking a bunch of herbal anti-microbials, which are kicking my butt! However, it does feel better to be putting herbs into my body than injecting pharmaceutical-grade antibiotics into my veins everyday.
Over my 4-month course of IV Bartonella treatment, I experienced a lot of ups and downs. Recently, I found myself with more energy and less brain fog than usual, which was amazing! It came right around the holidays, too, which was convenient. Then, a couple of weeks ago, the crushing fatigue, with which I am so intimately familiar, seemed to return. It was disappointing. I became scared that the progress I thought I’d made was lost. I wondered what I’d done wrong to make the fatigue and, with it, the brain fog return. Luckily, I have a supportive community of friends with Lyme disease who were quick to remind me that:
1) This is normal. Scary? Yes. But normal.
2) It will pass!
3) I am not alone in my experience or my fear.
My friends’ reassurances calmed me enough that I was able to shut off the line of thinking that involved blaming myself for my setback. Self-blame is one of the first reactions I have when something goes wrong. It’s easy to see how blaming myself might have become a habit; for so many years I was told by doctors that either there was nothing wrong with me or I was crazy/depressed/needed to see my psychiatrist ASAP. Their less-than-encouraging reactions placed the blame of my illness (or ‘illness’) squarely on my shoulders, and my shoulders alone. It’s taken time to learn that, when it comes to this illness (or, really, most illnesses), the concept of “blame” is useless. Sure, it’s part of the process of coming to acceptance of unpleasant circumstances, but it’s something to move through. Getting stuck in blame, whether is it self-blame or placing blaming elsewhere, is toxic. Until I let go of blame, I can’t move forward toward health. It’s not an all or nothing proposition though. For me, it’s something I go back to, but each time I do it has less of a hold on me.
I hope that, if you’re stuck in a rut of blame or anything else, you find your way out and are able to move forward to more vibrant health.
