Gratitude

On days like today (read: difficult, painful days), I try to focus on the positive things in my life. To this end, I make gratitude lists. It's harder to find the good when I'm feeling lousy, but it's also an opportunity to look more closely at my life and develop awareness of the things I so often take for granted.

Today's list:

• The fact that my parents' apartment (which I'm visiting) is so full of light! I love the eastern exposure! And the sun does wonders for my mood.
  
• The beautiful weather!
• Colorful foliage; the view from my bedroom window; the view from the living room windows. 
• Excedrin Migraine! (I should be a spokesperson for them, ha!) My parents and I saw Law Abiding Citizen this afternoon and I had an awful headache. Excedrin Migraine took care of it and I was able to enjoy the movie.
• Seeing a movie with my parents.
• The fact that I was feeling well enough to go out and see a movie.
• Time spent with my parents, who are unbelievably supportive (and, really, always have been). I don't take that for granted.
• Text messages with my sisters.
• Meeting new, really solid, supportive people in the Lyme Disease community through the internet.
  
• The following quote: "As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it." -- Eckhart Tolle (Thanks to Lori, AKA @GoodMoodBlogger)
•  The fact that I can SEE the light, the foliage, a movie, this computer screen -- Lyme Disease has blinded people. 
• The fact that I can type/read/form coherent sentences/speak/express myself in an articulate manner today. A few months ago, it was a lot more difficult for me to express myself due to cognitive symptoms which have since improved!
• The book Living Deeply.
• My Health Journal. It makes keeping track of symptoms, medicine, progress, appointments, etc., really easy. Created by Ashley van Tol of Lymenaide.com
• Dinner tonight: steak, green beans, and salad. My mom makes sure to keep the house stocked with food that I can eat (there are a ton of dietary restrictions with Lyme Disease), and she's a great cook who enjoys feeding people (especially her kids!). 
  
• The fact that there's at least one piece of art created by my sister in every room of the apartment. 
• The feel of the paper in my sketch pad.
• The way my pen glides smoothly over the surface of the page, and the sound it makes.
• The scent of my markers! (They're fruity-smelling.) And, most importantly, being able to enjoy the different scents without getting a headache!

What are you grateful for today?

Catharsis

I live for cathartic experiences. I think most people do. It's why we watch the TV shows we do; so we can become involved in the characters' drama and, thus, tap into our own emotions. I don't know about you, but I'm a Grey's Anatomy watcher. I can't recall the last episode I watched that didn't have me in tears at some point during the hour. And THAT is a major reason I watch it: it provides me with the means to tap into my own 'stuff' that gets buried beneath my everyday façade. In fact, I prefer watching Grey's Anatomy alone because I find it to be a more cathartic experience (otherwise I get too self-conscious to let go and sort-of emotionally 'free associate,' if you will).

TV is just one medium by which I achieve catharsis. Probably the most important means of catharsis for me is SINGING! I love show tunes and used to be involved in the performing arts -- and WILL be again, once I'm healthier. What I absolutely adore about musical theatre is the way each song tells a story, so listening to a show from beginning to end -- or singing it, as I do -- is such an amazing release. I love going through the ups and downs of each character and losing myself in the music. Though, I never really lose myself because the emotions I experience are my own and have their own stories; but since they can be hard to access, I enlist the help of other artists.

Other means of catharsis for me:

• Journaling: Just putting pen to paper without thinking, and letting out whatever emerges, without judgment or regard to grammar. Emptying my head of the detritus that inevitably clutters it after simply living a normal day or going through an exceptionally difficult day. It's like spring cleaning, only it's more frequent and more abstract.
  
• Dancing: I started dancing when I was 3 years old and didn't stop till I was almost 20, and then only because I was sick. When I'm feeling unusually energetic, I'll throw on some music and just DANCE! In my room, in my kitchen, anywhere I may be. And I do it without regard to form and proper alignment -- I simply DANCE the dance of my body in that time and space. It's freeing, it's invigorating, it's cathartic.
• Doodling: I'm not an artist by any means, but sometimes I find I really enjoy doodling and coloring my doodles. It's fun to see what comes out. It's calming. And there are times I surprise myself by really liking the finished product!

I'll leave you with this:

And a question: How do you experience catharsis? Leave a comment!

Air Travel and a Phone Consult with my LLMD

Traveling yesterday was exhausting! But I feel good today. It's strange how, no matter how short a flight I may take, it always feels like it was a lot longer than it actually was. The most tedious part of travel (aside from packing!) is going through security. These days you have to practically undress and unpack, and then redress and repack in record time so you don't hold up the line! I've learned to do the following in order to streamline the process:

1. Wear sweat pants! I normally travel in jeans, but if I'm wearing jeans I'm also wearing a belt, which I will have to take off and put back on in order to go through security. Sweat pants (or yoga pants or what have you) don't require belts and they're way cozier for sitting on a cramped plane for hours.
2. If possible, do not carry ANY liquids in my carry-on luggage! This is a hard one for me because some of my supplements are liquid. But I sucked it up and packed them in my checked luggage and this time no one bothered me about possibly staging an air attack with -- wait for it -- COLLOIDAL SILVER.
3. Wear slip-on shoes! I have made the mistake of wearing my Doc Marten steel-toed boots to travel more times than I can count. I probably lose about 8 minutes taking off and putting them back on. I now have shoes specifically designated for flying.
   
4. I don't know about you, but the idea of walking through security barefoot icks me out, so I make sure I always wear SOCKS. Yes, even if it's flip-flop weather! I don't even want to think about what I might be stepping on.
5. I pick up a bottle of water and a piece of fruit or other small snack to take with me on the plane because they charge for snacks now, and they're expensive (i.e., a small bag of potato chips for $4). This is also good for me because, with all of my dietary restrictions, it's rare to find airplane snacks that won't make me ill.
   
6. EAR PLUGS! Last night, for the first time, I wore ear plugs. I put them in prior to even making my way through security and it was a much less jarring experience. My central nervous system thanks me! Especially since, as we sat by the gate waiting to board, an alarm was going off for about 10 minutes. A really LOUD alarm that would have hurt my head if I hadn't been wearing my ear plugs. It also helped with the pressure of ascent and descent.
   

I woke early this morning because I had a phone consultation scheduled with my LLMD. He's pleased with my progress and believes I have a good prognosis based on it thus far. He added a medication to my already large cocktail of pills, which I will pick up later. It's a multi-purpose drug that should work as a cyst and flagella buster, among other things. I'm still waiting on my insurance company to OK IV treatment -- even if they only pay for a month of it, it's SOMETHING. Once that's taken care of, I'll have my PICC line inserted and the horror -- I mean, healing -- will continue! Just kidding guys -- I DO feel positive about this. I also know the reality of the die-off process upon starting new medication, especially IV antibiotics. But I'm up for it and have an amazing support system that will get me through it.

Off to start the day! Or...continue the day!

Brain too large for my cranium. Ouch.

I woke up with a headache, muscle aches all over, pressure in my head, congestion -- the works. I'm OK with this as long as the pressure doesn't get out of control by tonight because I have to be on a plane at 8:45pm!

Packing for a trip, no matter how short the trip (though this one is 2 weeks long) is never a swift process. Last time I was away overnight I forgot my probiotics -- NOT fun. Probiotics are what keep my body from being overrun by candida caused by the mega doses of ANTIbiotics I take daily. Candida isn't the only damage done to my body by the antibiotics, but I choose not to focus on the bad stuff because the antibiotics are also what are going to get rid of (or put into remission) this awful disease & co-infections.

I was thinking, recently, about the fact that my doc says I'll be on maintenance oral antibiotics once I'm in remission, for the foreseeable future. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of always being on antibiotics, so I've decided that once I'm in remission (fingers crossed!) I'm going to return to homeopathic medicine to totally eradicate the infections from my body. I'm not going to simply accept remission. I'm going to do everything in my power to GET RID OF these bugs once and for all.

I'm feeling positive about things today. Or, I should say, at this moment. I DO believe I will be healthy one day -- and that belief is part of the reason I'm going to be healthy. I know I have the ability to heal myself -- our bodies have what they need to heal -- it's a matter of harnessing the body's innate healing ability and using it. That's something I'm working on. I'm an intuitive person, which is one advantage I have already in healing myself. I would like to learn more about energy medicine and how I can apply it to myself. Finding an energy healer to work with is probably my next step.

Off to finish reading my e-mail and Twitter!